Criticwatch

The latest in a six-week string of films that are coming out without any screenings for critics is Dimension’s Superhero Movie. For those keeping track, dating back to March 14 we’ve had Doomsday, Shutter and Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns and upcoming we have The Ruins, Prom Night and Pathology. When I opened up the papers on Friday and saw that there were actually quotes for the latest spoof I thought one of two things - either (1) the studio went the lazy, unfunny route with a group of gag quotes from superheroes saying how much they loved the film or (2) Earl Dittman had struck again with another piece of his soul going to the Weinsteins on a film they wouldn’t dare show to legitimate critics.

Turns out I was wrong on both counts. This week’s soul seller got two of the three quotes on the ads. We’ll briefly embarrass Sheila Roberts from Moviesonline.ca for using the ol’ stand-by "Laugh-out-loud funny!" But the other two quotes belong to Steven Chupnick, a whore we spotted last year on Reign Over Me ("Incredible!"), The Condemned ("Non-stop mayhem!"), Hannibal Rising ("An edge-of-your-seat thriller!"), and Mr. Brooks ("Brilliant! Awesome! You’ll be on the edge of your seat!"). Chupnick now is credited with (no joke) JewReview.net which turns out to be neither a joke nor a service for shiksas looking to drive maternal wedges. Billed as the entertainment website for the chosen people, Chupnick’s quotes make it the equivalent of the lineup at the Chicken Ranch. And we’re pointing at you, Steve. Your money is on the night table.

But this week’s "who the hell said that?" quote comes courtesy of no specific voice. Just some idiot who spoke on KOSI 101, Denver (the lite?) I’d like to say that the quote speaks for itself, but can we take a moment to just let that settle in. "Shaun of the Dead meets Wedding Crashers???" I sure hope people aren’t going to be expecting zombies and overrated comedy. Seriously, is this just about the dumbest thing ever said about a movie? Someone figures they have the star of Shaun and the film begins with a shattered wedding (when the groom panics and runs.) There are no flesh-eaters and no one is showing up uninvited to anything. I’d like to offer KOSI 101 a few quotes for some upcoming blockbusters that they may like to use. After all, we don’t want them thinking too much now would we?

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - "Masterpiece Theatre meets Die Hard."
Speed Racer - "The Matrix meets Into the Wild."
Baby Mama - "30 Rock meets Welfare."
Sex and the City - "Whore Meets Cocoon."
The Incredible Hulk - "Hulk Meets Shit"

I've got ten bucks on Jessica Alba hitting 40 years of age and never being nominated for an Oscar. Any takers? Didn't think so.

Movie Title: Awake
Released By:  The Weinstein Company
Tomatometer:  21% (as of Feb 4 2008)

Respected Critics say: "Waking up during major surgery would be horrible. Waking up during surgery and being forced to watch Awake would be truly ghastly." - John P. McCarthy

Confirmed Quotewhore Sightings: (1)
"The year’s best psychological thriller. Intense & edgy…It will leave you breathless! Jessica Alba is stunning!" - Earl Dittman

Wow. No press screenings. Opening cold everywhere. Even renowned blurb-offerer PETE HAMMOND disliked it! And yet the marketing boffins responsible for The Weinstein Company’s Awake managed to find a ‘critic’ to not just offer up a quote, but a quote that invokes the "best of the year" premise.

Seriously. In December. 

Of course, when the Weinsteins need a whorebag, there’s always one guy they turn to (now that Pete Hammond has been drummed out of Maxim) - ‘Easy’ Earl Dittman.

Dittman isn’t know for his good taste. In fact, quote the opposite. Remember what he said about that other recent Alba masterpiece, Into the Blue?

"A heart-stopping, edge-of-your-seat thriller. Jessica Alba gives a knockout performance. It will leave you breathless."

And how much did Dittman like these soon-to-be-classics?

"A shocking nail-biting thriller! It will leave you breathless." (Derailed)
"A shocking psychological thriller. Samuel L. Jackson is brilliant. He will leave you breathless." (Freedomland)

In fact, Dittman loves the Weinstein’s so much that it’s as if he’s taken happy pills whenever he walks into their promo screenings. And Harvey ain’t complaining!

"Exhilarating!" (Grindhouse)
"Terrifying. A tour de force. A worthy companion piece to the original. A shocking masterpiece with twists and turns around every corner!" (Halloween)
"Startling and intense. A terrifying masterpiece." (1408)
"Intense. The scariest film of the year!" (Stephen King’s The Mist)

You can’t make this stuff up… Unless you’re Earl Dittman.  

Welcome to the Whore Cloud, Awake.