Criticwatch

Amy Adams deserves better than to be sold with the words of Ted Baehr, don't you think?

Movie Title: Enchanted
Released by: Disney
Tomatometer: A solid 90+%

Respected Critics say: "Amy Adams is every Disney princess in one ebullient package." - Michael Phillips, Chicago Tribune

Definite Quotewhore Sightings: (9)
"****" - Bill Diehl
"A must-see!" – Jim Ferguson
"Outstanding!" – Mark S. Allen
"Delightful." – Ted Baehr
"Hilarious and lots of fun for everyone." – Pete Hammond
"Amy Adams is the wish your heart makes…she’s wicked good." – Peter Travers
"A wonderful film for the holidays!" – Greg Russell
"An uplifting and magical movie!" – Mose Persico
"A very funny comedy that has something for everyone!" – Scott Mantz

So let’s play a game.

Let’s say you work in the marketing department of Walt Disney Studios. You’ve got a big holiday movie opening, the buzz is strong, and your lead actress is actually garnering consideration for a Best Actress nomination. Nice!

But now you have to put together your print ads for the film, and of course you want some nice big fluffy blurbs from respected critics to go with your big colorful art. Shouldn’t be too hard, right? I mean, everyone loves the film, the big name critics are falling over themselves to give you mad props, and you’re looking at a 90%+ approval rating at Rotten Tomatoes.

So what do you do? Oh, you use blurbs from the biggest quotewhore douchebags in the business, that’s what.

Jim Ferguson? Peter Travers? Pete Hammond? Mark S. Allen? Mose "even the Quebecois hate my guts" Persico?

Look, I liked Enchanted too. It’s a great flick, and none of the whores are wrong about it, but why on earth would you use a quote from Pete Hammond unless you absolutely had no other option? Why would you feel like Mose bloody Persico’s opinion would hold weight with Joe and Jane Sixpack when he’s not seen outside of Montreal? Why, if the movie you’re releasing is actually good, would you go to the Jim Ferguson well o’critical prostitution?

Of course, by the Saturday, most of those names had been replaced with others, such as Kenneth Turan, Leah Rozen, Claudia Puig and Manohla Dargis, but one day later, and the ad has switched right back to the douchebags!

Allow me to again do your jobs for you, Disney Marketeers, and come up with five fresh quotes that would be perfectly appropriate and far more enticing to the regular moviegoing Joe, if you only bothered cracking your Rolodex past the ‘Escorts’ page.

- "As a way to pass a couple hours in sheer movie-movie bliss, you can’t go wrong." - MaryAnn Johanson, Flick Filosopher

- "Disney’s gloriously tongue-in-cheek parody of its own princess genre is notable for how it’s G-rated heroine makes us realize how far a bit of innocence and optimism can uplift our outlook in today’s untrusting world." - Laura Clifford, Reeling Reviews

- "It’s Amy Adams who lends the role a heart bigger than the frame can contain. I defy anyone to watch this movie and not fall hopelessly in love with this performance." - Brian Orndorf, eFilmCritic.com

- "Adams’ performance is the kind that deserves an Academy Award nomination yet seldom gets one." - Jeffrey Westhoff, Northwest Herald

There; now, what’s wrong with those?

Yeah, so we chose one guy from our own website and two from my hometown of Chicago, so sue me. But in my defense, I looked at the quote first and the name second… just like the studio wants you to.

Anyways, Enchanted, great movie though it is, will now forever more be found in the Movie Marketing Hall of Shame. Well done, Disney.

I've got ten bucks on Jessica Alba hitting 40 years of age and never being nominated for an Oscar. Any takers? Didn't think so.

Movie Title: Awake
Released By:  The Weinstein Company
Tomatometer:  21% (as of Feb 4 2008)

Respected Critics say: "Waking up during major surgery would be horrible. Waking up during surgery and being forced to watch Awake would be truly ghastly." - John P. McCarthy

Confirmed Quotewhore Sightings: (1)
"The year’s best psychological thriller. Intense & edgy…It will leave you breathless! Jessica Alba is stunning!" - Earl Dittman

Wow. No press screenings. Opening cold everywhere. Even renowned blurb-offerer PETE HAMMOND disliked it! And yet the marketing boffins responsible for The Weinstein Company’s Awake managed to find a ‘critic’ to not just offer up a quote, but a quote that invokes the "best of the year" premise.

Seriously. In December. 

Of course, when the Weinsteins need a whorebag, there’s always one guy they turn to (now that Pete Hammond has been drummed out of Maxim) - ‘Easy’ Earl Dittman.

Dittman isn’t know for his good taste. In fact, quote the opposite. Remember what he said about that other recent Alba masterpiece, Into the Blue?

"A heart-stopping, edge-of-your-seat thriller. Jessica Alba gives a knockout performance. It will leave you breathless."

And how much did Dittman like these soon-to-be-classics?

"A shocking nail-biting thriller! It will leave you breathless." (Derailed)
"A shocking psychological thriller. Samuel L. Jackson is brilliant. He will leave you breathless." (Freedomland)

In fact, Dittman loves the Weinstein’s so much that it’s as if he’s taken happy pills whenever he walks into their promo screenings. And Harvey ain’t complaining!

"Exhilarating!" (Grindhouse)
"Terrifying. A tour de force. A worthy companion piece to the original. A shocking masterpiece with twists and turns around every corner!" (Halloween)
"Startling and intense. A terrifying masterpiece." (1408)
"Intense. The scariest film of the year!" (Stephen King’s The Mist)

You can’t make this stuff up… Unless you’re Earl Dittman.  

Welcome to the Whore Cloud, Awake. 

August Rush: It's, like, ginchy!

Movie Title: August Rush
Released by: Warner Bros
Tomatometer: 37%

Respected Critics say: "An aggressively bad movie. There are times when it tips the scales of absurdity and becomes almost comical." - James Berardinelli

Potential Quotewhore Sightings: (1)
"Sheer movie magic." – Michael Faust, Artvoice

Definite Quotewhore Sightings: (5)
"The must-see film of the year." – Tony Toscano
"A modern day musical fairytale." – Greg Russell
"Phenomenal." – Janet Stokes
"A rare film that’s both a great date movie and the perfect family film." – Steve Oldfield
"A captivating fantasy full of suspense, emotional surprises and the most original music if the year." – Jeanne Wolf

Give credit where it’s due to the Warner Bros marketing boneheads - they went to the second tier of quotewhores for this one. No Pete Hammond? No Paul Fischer? Why, I do believe there’s an absence of Peter Travers, even!

Still, the movie blows and these quotes are so over the top they could be performed on stage by Daniel Day Lewis.

Pete Hammond: The non-thinking man's Roger Ebert

At a recent press conference with director Frank Darabont for his adaptation of The Mist, Stephen King said that "there should be a law passed stating that anybody who reveals the last 5 minutes of this film should be hung from their neck until dead."

This week on the ads we have Pete Hammond from Maxim saying…

"A masterpiece! One of the most shocking movie endings ever! It will send chills down your spine. Stephen King and Director Frank Darabont have already given us The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile. With The Mist they have created another winner!"

I know he didn’t strictly speaking give away the ending, but is it close enough, Mr. King? I’ve got some rope and there are any number of appropriate trees out here in the Chicago suburbs…

Shockingly shocking in shocking ways... so says Whorebag Hammond

Hammond’s praise obviously means nothing. His adjectives hold all the weight of the Olsen Twins in zero gravity. Look at his ’shocking’ praise for less-than-stellar films over this past year and see if maybe you think the marketers for The Mist might have been better served finding a quote from someone with, like, dignity.

Alpha Dog - "A fiercely original shocker."
Crazy Love - "A shockingly fierce and funny spell-binder that leaves your head spinning."
Hannibal Rising - "An absolute shocker in every way imaginable."
1408 - "Ranks with The Shining as one of the best Stephen King adaptations ever! A smart, highly entertaining non-stop shocker!"
The Brave One - "A true shocker that will shatter your nerves and get you talking."

Go out into The Mist, Pete. And don’t worry about the rope. We don’t care if you make it 300 feet.