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15 February 2008, admin @ 9:42 am
Film Title: Jumper
Released by: 20th Century Fox
Tomatometer: 16% (as of 15 Feb 2008Respected Critics Say:
“A herky-jerky mess of a movie, Jumper leaps about so erratically you get the feeling bent pogo sticks were employed in the editing room.” – Tom Long, Detroit News
“This movie is paced for an audience that grew up multi-tasking and its aesthetic sensibility and depth of story-telling is equivalent to a beer commercial.” – Nell Minow
“Expect critics to make a lot of ‘we wish we could have teleported right out of cinemas showing it’ remarks…” – James O’Ehley, Sci-Fi Movie PageWhat I said:
“A lethargic, incomprehensible event picture that is the action film equivalent of Phil Collins’ Take Me Home video.” - Erik Childress, eFilmCritic.comSeen On Newspaper Ads:
“It’s Bourne meets The Matrix" – Total Film!
“This movie rocks!” – Stephen King
“Like nothing you’ve seen before!” – Anne Craig, Good Day NY
This can’t be the same Stephen King who called No Country for Old Men the best film of 2007, can it? Was he hit by another car?
Actually, we’ve seen a lot of bad films released by Fox over the last few years, so Anne we have seen such crap before. And often.
8 February 2008, admin @ 11:00 am
Taking Leia's gold bikini a step too far, don't you think?Film Title: Fool’s Gold
Released by: Warner Bros.
Tomatometer: 11% (as of Feb. 8, 2008)
Respected Critics Say:"It was co-written by the authors of "Anaconda 2" and the director of "Hitch" and the Drew Barrymore version of the Amy Fisher story and even by those less-than-robust standards, they are playing well below their respective high-water marks" - Peter Sobczynski"There’s more continuity in an episode of Teletubbies." - Phil Villarreal, Arizona Daily Star"I can’t imagine why on Earth anyone would want a movie to fail so spectacularly on every level — perhaps there’s some sort of tax shelter thing involved, or a Springtime for Hitler scam scenario — but here it is." - MaryAnn JohansonDefinite Quotewhore Sightings: (5)"Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson are this generation’s most engaging on-screen couple." – Shawn Edwards
"Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey light up the big screen in the first great romantic comedy of the year." – Heather Newgen, Comingsoon.net
"Everything a romantic comedy should be!" – Mark S. Allen
"The adventure comedy is back!" - Mark Seman, Sirius Satellite Radio
"Solid gold fun! Fool’s Gold will make you feel like you’re on vacation!" – Mark Hyman, FOX-TV
Shawn Edwards is on two ads this week, getting in on all the milky-white fun with two of the whitest people in America to counter his unsurprising love of the African American non-laughfest, Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins.
If this is what Mark S. Allen believes is "everything a romantic comedy should be" then I’d love to see him in a symposium putting Fool’s Gold up there with the likes of The Apartment, Jerry Maguire, and His Girl Friday.
And are the Warner Bros. marketing people really serious in trying to sell us a film by using critics named Hyman and Seman? Mr. Mark Seman, you may remember from being the standout critic on the ads for last year’s glorious romantic comedy, Good Luck Chuck, with Dane Cook and Jessica Alba - certainly a pair that should be in the running for this generation’s most engaging on-screen couple if McConaughey and Hudson are (and they aren’t).
Poster blurbs from Seman and Hyman? I guess Philip K. Dick was busy.
8 February 2008, admin @ 10:36 am
The last supper?Film Title: Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins
Released by: UniversalTomatometer: 36% (as of Feb. 8, 2008)
Respected Critics Say:
"A rancid, unfunny disaster full of embarrassing performances and shamefully simple-minded comic notions." - Eric D. Snider
"If the idea of watching Martin Lawrence getting used and abused appeals to you, then Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins is the movie for you." - James Berardinelli
"One of the absolute worst movies ever produced by the hands of humans…." - MaryAnn JohansonDefinite Quotewhore Sightings: (3)
"Totally hilarious!" - Shawn Edwards
"Hilarious. Laugh out loud funny." - Steve Oldfield
"A family affair." - Greg Russell
Geez, whaddya know; Shawn Edwards liked a film with an entirely African-American cast. Ice Cube, Tyler Perry, The Wayans Bros. - don’t matter, Edwards is there to lend his support. I don’t even know what the hell his one-time co-host, Greg Russell, is saying with his quote that’s splashed on the commercials. Does Universal really think that "a family affair" is going to see people rush out for a ticket?
"Oh my god! It’s a family affair! No, seriously Cindy, the guy in the paper said it’s a family affair! I’m not going to miss THAT on a big screen!"
Steve Oldfield becomes the token white guy at the party, reminding us that laughter is an audible occasion and not the kind of event shared by Seinfeld’s wannabe menage-a-trois partner and Mandy Moore’s guest appearance on Scrubs.
Memo to Shawn Edwards… does having your name on this ad make you proud? When people come out of it saying, "that sucked ASS!", and they walk past the poster and see your name there next to "Totally hilarious!", do you feel honored that they’ll think you a giant douchebag and blame you for their wasted $11?
You shouldn’t.