Criticwatch

The latest in a six-week string of films that are coming out without any screenings for critics is Dimension’s Superhero Movie. For those keeping track, dating back to March 14 we’ve had Doomsday, Shutter and Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns and upcoming we have The Ruins, Prom Night and Pathology. When I opened up the papers on Friday and saw that there were actually quotes for the latest spoof I thought one of two things - either (1) the studio went the lazy, unfunny route with a group of gag quotes from superheroes saying how much they loved the film or (2) Earl Dittman had struck again with another piece of his soul going to the Weinsteins on a film they wouldn’t dare show to legitimate critics.

Turns out I was wrong on both counts. This week’s soul seller got two of the three quotes on the ads. We’ll briefly embarrass Sheila Roberts from Moviesonline.ca for using the ol’ stand-by "Laugh-out-loud funny!" But the other two quotes belong to Steven Chupnick, a whore we spotted last year on Reign Over Me ("Incredible!"), The Condemned ("Non-stop mayhem!"), Hannibal Rising ("An edge-of-your-seat thriller!"), and Mr. Brooks ("Brilliant! Awesome! You’ll be on the edge of your seat!"). Chupnick now is credited with (no joke) JewReview.net which turns out to be neither a joke nor a service for shiksas looking to drive maternal wedges. Billed as the entertainment website for the chosen people, Chupnick’s quotes make it the equivalent of the lineup at the Chicken Ranch. And we’re pointing at you, Steve. Your money is on the night table.

But this week’s "who the hell said that?" quote comes courtesy of no specific voice. Just some idiot who spoke on KOSI 101, Denver (the lite?) I’d like to say that the quote speaks for itself, but can we take a moment to just let that settle in. "Shaun of the Dead meets Wedding Crashers???" I sure hope people aren’t going to be expecting zombies and overrated comedy. Seriously, is this just about the dumbest thing ever said about a movie? Someone figures they have the star of Shaun and the film begins with a shattered wedding (when the groom panics and runs.) There are no flesh-eaters and no one is showing up uninvited to anything. I’d like to offer KOSI 101 a few quotes for some upcoming blockbusters that they may like to use. After all, we don’t want them thinking too much now would we?

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - "Masterpiece Theatre meets Die Hard."
Speed Racer - "The Matrix meets Into the Wild."
Baby Mama - "30 Rock meets Welfare."
Sex and the City - "Whore Meets Cocoon."
The Incredible Hulk - "Hulk Meets Shit"

Film Title: Drillbit Taylor
Released by: Paramount
Tomatometer: 24% (as of Mar. 22, 2008)

Respected Critics Say:
“Because the filmmakers plant their laugh-generating derrick over the same comic well that’s been pumped out twice before, Drillbit Taylor hits a dry hole.” – Larry Ratliff, San Antonio Express-News
“With ‘Drillbit Taylor,’ however, Apatow hands the reins over to his protégés and replaces his delicate balancing act with a steep, sudden fall.” – Dan Lybarger, eFilmCritic
“I’d call it a pointless endeavor, except now we might finally be able to pinpoint the source of Wilson’s recent depression.” – Pete Vonder Haar, Film Threat

What Roger Moore said at Rotten Tomatoes:
“Movies such as this remind us that Owen Wilson is nothing less than a national treasure.” - Roger Moore, Orlando Sentinel

But we’re not here to talk about Roger Moore. Although that quote at RT was too precious to ignore from that tool. It actually began with seeing Shawn Edwards as the sole quote provider on Friday’s newspaper ads for Drillbit. "Awesome! The freshest and funniest comedy in a long time," said 2007’s Whore of the Year taking in his 8th quote of the year. (His 9th is right around the corner with next week’s Stop-Loss which he calls "honest and brave." Currently 76% of quoted critics are in direct opposition with the guy who called another Owen Wilson film "refreshingly funny." (That would be 2004’s Starsky & Hutch.) But there was something far more disturbing in store for us on Saturday’s ads.

"Big laughs with a lot of heart." – Pete Hammond, Boxoffice.com

PETE HAMMOND IS BACK??? You can almost here Harry Potter saying those words at the end of the Goblet of Fire. Sure, he’s already been quoted on two other ads this year. One, for Charlie Bartlett, could be attributed to that film being screened for him when he was pimped out by Maxim last August when it was originally supposed to open. But forget all that. Boxoffice.com? Most websites would want to up their profile as opposed to inviting national scorn from respected critics and net-savvy bloggers. Why in Sam Hell would you want to invite this guy to be writing film reviews for you? From what I can tell you have a pretty decent set of critics over there. Certainly a lot more objective than the cash prospective reviews of Variety, which Hammond already blogs for.

A quick look at the films of March you have reviewed on your front page and Hammond already has two four-star (out of five) reviews for Drillbit and Horton Hears a Who? but also a three-star review for the unscreened Doomsday (which I will also admit a certain guilty pleasure for.) But one guilty pleasure doesn’t make up for three-and-a-half years of fluffer quotes for all films good and bad. To the editors of BoxOffice.com - save yourself now before Hammond grows out of control again. We’ve had a good thing for the first three months of 2008 with only three Easy Petey sightings. We need to get our focus back on Shawn Edwards and shame him out of existence.

Film Title: 21
Released by: Sony
Tomatometer: 37% (as of Mar. 28, 2008)

Respected Critics Say:
“It has some decent eye candy, but overall this film is bluffing if they think it’s a great, intelligent blackjack film. I know I just used a poker term, but I doubt 21 would have noticed.” – Jeff Bayer, Daily Herald (IL)
“None of the main stars is remotely convincing as a smart person..” – Josh Bell, Las Vegas Weekly
“For high-stakes drama, stick with The Price is Right.” – Matt Pais, Metromix.com

What I Said:
"You have a director so inept that he doesn’t even understand what genre he’s working within and he’s helped destroy potentially one of the most riveting and important social statements about Las Vegas the movies could have seen." – Erik Childress, eFilmCritic.com

What Peter Travers Said:
“Odds are you’re going to like this lively spin on the true story of six MIT mathletes who broke the Vegas Bank. It’s a kick to watch Kevin Spacey and a gifted young cast use smarts to deal audiences a winning hand.” - Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

And thus begins the annual Travers surge into Spring, where his seemingly dormant self that’s provided hope we won’t see his name plastered on every major release, awakens to push himself into the national consciousness as a film critic that matters. If you can find five reviews for the movie 21 that doesn’t feature some sort of blackjack lingo in the positive or negative, your luck suggests you should maybe be headed to Vegas this weekend. (And I’m as guilty of it as the next.) But can you really take that quote from him as enticement to see one of the worst films of the year? In the spirit of his hamminess, trust me on this one and take the insurance. Don’t double down and if someone suggests 21 at the theater this weekend, HIT them hard and split.

Travers is also touting Stop-Loss (currently 58% at RT) this weekend as "the first major movie of the year that touches greatness." That despite calling Charlie Bartlett "a winner", George Romero "a master" and 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days "a masterwork." He is joined on the ads by reigning whore of the year Shawn Edwards calling it "honest and brave" and a huge surprise appearance by none other than Bryan Erdy. If you don’t remember his name, then you haven’t been paying much attention to Disney ads because they have been his lock stock for years. No other studio has had the services of Erdy under our watch. Until now. "Provocative. A Wake-up call for America!" says Erdy. And what a self-statement that is. If you go back a few weeks to when Disney was touting its Martin Lawrence/Raven Symone auteur piece, College Road Trip, you would have seen the following words plastered across the screen:

"One fun ride." "Hilarious." "Heartwarming." "The first must see comedy of 2008."

Just those words. Who knows where they came from? No names were there to claim them. It’s almost as if someone at the studio just made those up for our expense. I suppose if David Manning is shouting praise in a forest and no one hears him then he doesn’t exist. Or something like that. But wait a moment, HERE COMES BRYAN ERDY TO SAVE THE DAY!!! "Hysterically funny! This is the perfect family movie." Not quite what the Disney folk had hoped for in their ads, but those words will do. And Erdy was happy to have his name. If you would like to drop Bryan a note and give him a wake-up call to what an inauthentic douchetool he is, check out his MySpace page and tell him how hysterically funny you think his career is.

PETER TRAVERS - Rolling Stone

Criticwatch History:
2002 Whore Ranking - #1
2003 Whore Ranking - #1 (Earning himself the inaugural Peter Travers Whore of the Year Award)
2004 – 61 Quotes
2005 – 65 Quotes
2006 – 69 Quotes
2007 – 74 Quotes

Travers has long been the Rolling Stone film critic, but wasn’t always a shill. For a long time he was a respected writer with a strong point of view, but over the last few years it’s become more and more apparent that he’s just out to get Rolling Stone some free publicity.

What others have said about him:

"Does Peter Travers win the flat-footed medal for all eternity? Has he ever written a negative review, or even a mildly critic one? Have you ever seen an ad for the worst movie ever? It’ll have a rave from ROLLING STONE, dollars to donuts. I just assume if he likes it and the rest of the quotes are from some AM radio guy in Tulsa, that the movie sucks." – Post-Production Polly, Hollywood Elsewhere 2/4/03, Movie Poop Shoot. 

"Peter Travers is a wash as a critic now, and probably for all time. Any time his name is within 4 font-size points of the film title, blink and move on." – Los Angeles-based indie filmmaker

The one person in all of movie reviewdom that drives me aboslutely batty is Peter Travers from Rolling Stone. - The Daily Ping

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