Criticwatch

The whores are out for Sex and the City. And the critics are raving too. I haven’t seen the film yet myself but who could resist that line after seeing the parade of quotes in Sunday’s papers. Maybe the 145-minute film, the longest of the summer to date (longer than Indiana Jones, Iron Man, Speed Racer or even Narnia) is also the best. I’ll just leave you with final query until my review on Friday. What’s with all the dudes loving this film?

****! A great night out with friends. – Colin Bertram, Daily News
Sarah Jessica Parker couldn’t be better. The four female stars are the most appealing ensemble of the year. – Roger Friedman
Sex and the City sizzles! – Liam Mayclem, CBS-TV
The best date movie of the summer! – Mark S. Allen
Sexational!…Sex and the City is back, beautiful, and better than ever. – Neil Rosen
Sex and the City is wickedly funny…Definitely worth the wait! – Bill Bregoli
Run – don’t walk – and bring a friend! Sex and the City is absolute perfection. – Sandie Newton

5/23/08 -

Nineteen years ago this week, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade debuted to audiences. Chapter four of the Indiana Jones series opened this Thursday. He may be older but the reviews are still fresh, flirting with an 80% approval rating over at Rotten Tomatoes, currently making it the 4th best reviewed film of the year (minimum of 100 reviews) behind Iron Man, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and The Spiderwick Chronicles. (4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days and The Counterfeiters have 2007 roots so they haven’t been included.)

Surprisingly enough though, one critic who is on that negative side is none other than quote whore du jour, Peter Travers. The man who liked Charlie Bartlett, 21, and Speed freakin’ Racer is invoking the term of "silliness" to describe Indiana Jones. And he’s not alone.

The reigning Peter Travers Whore of the Year, Shawn Edwards, blasts Indiana Jones as being neither "fun or adventurous." Edwards says, "it’s silly and annoying" and "the worst and most anti-climactic ever in the history of the movies." Shawn, you ignorant slutwhore. You would rather sit through Fool’s Gold ("Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson are this generation’s most engaging on-screen couple") than Crystal Skull? You liked Semi-Pro, Drillbit Taylor AND Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins? Did poor Shawny get denied an interview from Spielberg and Lucas? (And if anyone saw Access Hollywood’s "exclusive" interview from Cannes, more sympathetic I could not be. "Who’s better with the whip?" was one of their questions.) And here I was going to use this space to celebrate the impending two-month anniversary of our movie ads being Shawn Edwards free. He’s been absent since Leatherheads, the culmination of a period from Feb. 8 - Apr. 4 where he amassed 10 quotes with some of the gems listed above. He had 11 going into the summer season in 2007 where he picked up another 9 quotes from May-to-August. Let’s keep the streak going. I don’t know what more to say about these two idiots. Their reviews, as always, are suspect. Talk amongst yourselves.

Meanwhile, speaking of talk - feel free to tune into Nick Digilio’s show this Sunday night (May 25). At Midnight, myself and Collin Souter will be in-studio to discuss all things Indiana Jones and the resurgence of the elder action franchises. Just click below to listen online, go to www.wgnradio.com or tune into 720 AM in Chicago for what should be an entertaining and informative discussion. Maybe Travers and Edwards can call in.

Narnia’s Pre-Resurrection

The President of the Chicago Film Critics Association (not the picture you see before you) received a fax this week regarding Prince Caspian, the adaptation of the second Narnia book (albeit chronologically the fourth of the seven stories.) This fax informed him that the chairman of the Christian Film & TV Commission (and the editor of Movieguide.org) hails it as “a fantastic epic adventure” and “a very exciting, fantastic epic that re-imagines the book’s story.” I think we all know what “book” he means has been “re-imagined.” And that “he” is Ted Baehr (yes, HIS picture right), whom you may have seen here and there on movie ads or more notably as a subject of ridicule here at Criticwatch. Back in 1988 he was at the forefront of the protests on Martin Scorsese’s The Last Temptation of Christ but now advocates the series where Father Christmas hands over weapons to children to do battle for the kingdom. Solid Christian message, all around, don’t you think?

While the CFCA board is receiving this fax to tell us what others think of the movie, the majority of the membership will not have a chance to see the film until the Wednesday evening (May 14). Christ, even Jesus was given three days to rest before the resurrection. The Sun-Times and Tribune got a look more than a full week earlier. So “hear me now Israel…Aren’t your ways unequal?” (Exekiel 18:25)

Bryan Erdy, after a brief separation from the Disney teat, is back calling Prince Caspian “Even better than the first. Astonishing in the every way.” And that’s just on the TV spots. In the New York Times Sunday he also called it “Extraordinary! Destined to join the original as a classic!” This from the guy who never met a straight-to-video Disney animated sequel he couldn’t blurb (Bambi II, Brother Bear 2, Cinderella III & The Fox and the Hound 2.) Last year National Treasure 2 was “spectacular, exciting fun.” Believe in Jesus or the Lord, our Father, or a talking lion all you want, but by believing in Erdy you’re putting your faith in the guy who said The Game Plan was “one of the funniest movies in years” and that College Road Trip was “the perfect family movie.” Here are some more false Gods put before the nation’s critics singing Narnia’s praises:

“****” Gorman Woodfin, CNN
“Triumphant.” Stephen McGarvey, crosswalk.com
“Brilliant! A captivating adventure that’s thrilling from start to finish. – Mose Persico
“Wildly exciting! Bigger and better, Prince Caspian hits the mark! – Bonnie Laufer
“The must-see film of 2008.” S. Choi - TLN

Psalms says that scorn is for the proud. And I’m damn proud not to be any of these people.

Last week, the unbearably generic Made of Honor didn’t have anyone in its ads to recommend the film. It’s a rare occurrence but sometimes a film is just so bad that even the whores smartly disassociate themselves from it. (See ads for: Deception, The Hottie and the Nottie, etc…) More commonly it’s on the films that don’t screen for critics (i.e. Meet the Spartans, The Eye), unless you write for Bloody-Disgusting and happily provide positive thoughts for test screenings of The Ruins and Pathology.

This week though, Paul Fischer has made my job all the more easier when he got his name as the solo voice of unreason on the 13% RT approved, Made of Honor. (“…Deliciously romantic, a wonderfully funny date movie that is both irresistible and charming.”) He’s also one of two, as mentioned last week, on the ads for this week’s romantic comedy disaster, What Happens In Vegas, which is, by and large, the worst film of 2008 not named Prom Night. Fischer calls it “Hilarious!” though. Why does this make my job easier? Well, it just provides a nice little parallel to a demotion we’re giving on Criticwatch.

“Made of Honor is a nice cookie-cutter comedy, no more and no less, but Dempsey, with his relaxed charm, and Monaghan, with her soft and peachy sensual spark, rise to the challenge of making friendship look like the wellspring of true love.”

“Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz hate on each other with dynamite verve in What Happens in Vegas.”

Those words belong to Entertainment Weekly critic, Owen Gleiberman. So be sure to give a nice, hearty “thank you” to him when your lady drags you to both pieces of crap. Trust me, guys. No promise of repeat viewings of Indiana Jones and The Dark Knight while getting oral homage in the back of the theater is enough to make you enjoy one of these films, let alone both. These are break-up material movies. And recommending them both not only forfeits your man card but grants you a one-way trip from the “trustworthy” to the “caveat emptor” section of our Criticwatch list. You earned this one, Owen, and you’re in the penalty box without parole for a while.

Film Title: Speed Racer
Released by: Warner Bros,
Tomatometer: 34% (as of May 9, 2008)

Respected Critics Say:
"135 minutes of noisy, infantile and shockingly boring mind rot that will inspire only partial epilepsy in viewers whose ages remain in the single digits and complete ennui in those who have passed the big 1-0.." - Peter Sobczynski, eFilmCritic.com
" It wouldn’t surprise me to learn that the entire movie was paid for by the makers of Tylenol.." - Scott Weinberg, Cinematical
"At an exceedingly long 135 minutes, the film needs more than what might result from the explosion of a Crayola factory, and Speed Racer has nothing extra to offer — no heart, no excitement, no moments to cherish." - James Berardinelli, ReelViews

What I Said:
"Speed Racer devolves into one of the most painfully ill-conceived borefests to ever grace a summer movie season and an easy candidate of one of 2008’s worst films." – Erik Childress, eFilmCritic.com

That’s what the negative reviews of Speed Racer look like. Critics who don’t like it, REALLY don’t like it. And more sympathetic – I could not be. 34% actually seems high at Rotten Tomatoes with 81 reviews clocked in Friday morning, but the number has been going down day-by-day and will probably be somewhere between 25-30% by Sunday. Possibly, unfathomably, lower than What Happens In Vegas. Warner Bros. is not using any of that 33% though. They have trotted out a lineup of whores like a menu at the Chicken Ranch. Starting with last Sunday’s ads, it seems new ones kept popping up on the TV spots and even more for this weekend’s ads.

"The creators of the Matrix trilogy have revolutionized moviemaking." - Earl Dittman
"Spectacular! Visually stunning. It will blow your mind." – Mark S. Allen
"A spectacular adventure for all ages." – Dean Richards
"A visual masterpiece. Great entertainment." – Janet Stokes
"Beyond incredible. You’ve never seen anything like it." - Bryan Erdy
"One of the most exhilarating movies you’ll ever see." – Jim Ferguson
"It’s the coolest thing I’ve seen." - Carrie Keagan

Bryan Erdy must have been given the Jedi mind trick into thinking he was seeing a Disney film. Dittman has given us some seriously old news and you can read below to find out who Carrie Keagan is. David Poland at MovieCityNews has been pimpin’ this movie since late April. And has been giving them some gem quotes that don’t sound like the crap just above. Now, like anyone who likes this movie I think he was either drunk or a recipient of the McMurphy treatment when seeing it, but why not use someone willing to write thousands of words about your film and continue to defend it then these 15 words-or-less jokers?

This weekend 20th Century Fox, the creators of Meet the Spartans, Jumper, Shutter and Deception is sneaking the latest film from the writer of The Wedding Date. At 10 PM Saturday night you can choose to catch What Happens In Vegas so you can say that you saw it even before the critics; most of whom haven’t been invited until Tuesday morning. (Chicago is even further behind the times with a Tuesday evening screening.) No matter what city you’re in though, there’s no way you can be the first or even the second one in line for the Cameron Diaz/Ashton Kutcher marriage-off. Sorry, Paul Fischer and Sara Edwards have already beat you to the punch. “Hilarious!” says Fischer, getting only his second quote of the year (after Smart People). Edwards is getting her first quote of the year, whipping out a whore’s greatest hits calling it “Laugh-out-loud funny!” and “Sweet, smart, sexy.” Apparently, it “Works on every level.” Wow, Sara! And, of course, we believe you because in the past you recommended we see Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Unaccompanied Minors, Home of the Brave, Stick It and Monster-In-Law. What Happens In Vegas, Sara, stays shut in your unqualified mouth!

Catching up on something I missed in last week’s Chicago papers was the ads for the Robert Englund/Jenna Jameson breastfest, Zombie Strippers. The film got a one-theater engagement in the Windy City and, much to our most pleasant surprise, was actually screened for critics. A pretty hefty accomplishment considering how many already haven’t been this year including the recent Prom Night and Pathology. It’s actually a better film than either of them. But better does not equal good. Certainly not “so hot, it hurts,” as said by No Good TV’s (NGTV) Carrie Keagan (seen right) who also said that 10,000 B.C. “rocks!!” and 27 Dresses gave us “27 more reasons to love Katherine Heigl!” But despite some really horrible taste in film, I’ll at least give her a pass as being the kind of galpal who may force you to go see chick flicks in January but will gladly get it on for a film called Zombie Strippers.

I’m not going to say the same for one Luke Yelasdi Thompson. The L.A. Weekly critic has gone on record in the ad as saying, now stay with me here, that Zombie Strippers is “Easily the best movie of the year, so far. Really.” He even added the “really” before we had a chance to question him. Granted, the film may be rocking more positive reviews (15) at Rotten Tomatoes than 88 Minutes, Deal (still mired in an 0-for-26 slump) and this week’s Made of Honor combined but I’m afraid it’s come to this. Luke, I know we’re facebook friends and I wish you all the best - but you have to give up your credentials. I’m sorry. It may sound rash, but we can’t have a critic saying this. It’s not helping our argument. That’s officially your last review outside the pages of AVN. Carrie, on the other hand, call me sometime. We can go see Sex and the City and then to make it up to me I’m sure Luke can recommend something juicy from Vivid.