Criticwatch

Ben Lyons: Dumb as a Box.
9 December 2007, admin @ 2:40 am

I Am Legend was awful.

I mean, even if you go kooky for effects and vampires and the like, you’ve got to admit that watching Will Smith try to emote in this big budget steaming pile is akin to watching 10-year-olds doing Shakespeare. And the creepy God messages? Please.

And don’t even get us started on how the makers of the film took everything in the original story that it was supposedly based on, and either changed it, threw it out, or got it wrong.  

Yes, I Am Legend was ass. But, okay, we can begrudgingly comprehend that some people might dig the special effects enough so as to actually have a good time watching the flick. Admittedly, most of those people would be the kind who breathe through their mouths and take their dates to the Sizzler when they want to get all romantic, but whatever - you can’t legislate taste. Or IQ.

But there ought to, however, be a law against Ben Lyons, who was quoted on the I Am Legend print ad as saying that the film was "Unbelievable. Remarkable."

That, in itself, is ridiculous, but Lyin’ Lyons wasn’t content with those - he went for the Brass Ring of Blurbs. He called I Am Legend (and we’re not making this up, kids) "One of the Greatest Movies Ever Made."

Seriously. Look, there’s the ad, over on the right of the page. It’s in big letters on the top.

Not ‘one of the greatest of the month’. Not even ‘one of the greatest of the year’. He’s convinced I Am Legend is ‘one of the greatest movies ever made’. Ever. In history.

Orson Welles was a pussy, because he didn’t make a movie that featured Will Smith hitting on a mannequin in a Blockbuster store. If he had, he would have made one of the GREATEST MOVIES EVER MADE.

Elia Kazan? What did he know? He didn’t have Marlon Brando driving a product placement Ford around the docks, shooting at deer. He never made an action movie in which all the potential problems of the hero are solved if he just listens to God and heads to Vermont for the weekend with some chick he just met.

Cecil B. Demille? He never quite figured out how to stick a gigantic product placement for the Shrek movies in any of his films, so how can they be called classics? He didn’t even have vampires!

No, clearly nobody ever knew what they were doing until I Am Legend came around. The world of cinema must throw out all conventional wisdom and start again, because Ben Lyons - film historian, respected journalist, academic thinker, and renowned student of cinema - has seen every film ever made and has decided that a Will Smith special effects action film is among the very best pieces of cinema that you’ll ever see.

Bow, peasant, because Ben Lyons knows all.

Or… he’s a giant idiot who only got his job at E! because they actively seek boneheaded, airbrushed smiles who’ll nod happily at anything any celebrity ever says like it’s the smartest thing he’s ever heard, while asking such gripping questions as "what was it like to work with the director?" and "what attracted you to the script?"

Ben Lyons: If you see his name on a movie poster, spit on it.

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