Criticwatch

Film Title: Speed Racer
Released by: Warner Bros,
Tomatometer: 34% (as of May 9, 2008)

Respected Critics Say:
"135 minutes of noisy, infantile and shockingly boring mind rot that will inspire only partial epilepsy in viewers whose ages remain in the single digits and complete ennui in those who have passed the big 1-0.." - Peter Sobczynski, eFilmCritic.com
" It wouldn’t surprise me to learn that the entire movie was paid for by the makers of Tylenol.." - Scott Weinberg, Cinematical
"At an exceedingly long 135 minutes, the film needs more than what might result from the explosion of a Crayola factory, and Speed Racer has nothing extra to offer — no heart, no excitement, no moments to cherish." - James Berardinelli, ReelViews

What I Said:
"Speed Racer devolves into one of the most painfully ill-conceived borefests to ever grace a summer movie season and an easy candidate of one of 2008’s worst films." – Erik Childress, eFilmCritic.com

That’s what the negative reviews of Speed Racer look like. Critics who don’t like it, REALLY don’t like it. And more sympathetic – I could not be. 34% actually seems high at Rotten Tomatoes with 81 reviews clocked in Friday morning, but the number has been going down day-by-day and will probably be somewhere between 25-30% by Sunday. Possibly, unfathomably, lower than What Happens In Vegas. Warner Bros. is not using any of that 33% though. They have trotted out a lineup of whores like a menu at the Chicken Ranch. Starting with last Sunday’s ads, it seems new ones kept popping up on the TV spots and even more for this weekend’s ads.

"The creators of the Matrix trilogy have revolutionized moviemaking." - Earl Dittman
"Spectacular! Visually stunning. It will blow your mind." – Mark S. Allen
"A spectacular adventure for all ages." – Dean Richards
"A visual masterpiece. Great entertainment." – Janet Stokes
"Beyond incredible. You’ve never seen anything like it." - Bryan Erdy
"One of the most exhilarating movies you’ll ever see." – Jim Ferguson
"It’s the coolest thing I’ve seen." - Carrie Keagan

Bryan Erdy must have been given the Jedi mind trick into thinking he was seeing a Disney film. Dittman has given us some seriously old news and you can read below to find out who Carrie Keagan is. David Poland at MovieCityNews has been pimpin’ this movie since late April. And has been giving them some gem quotes that don’t sound like the crap just above. Now, like anyone who likes this movie I think he was either drunk or a recipient of the McMurphy treatment when seeing it, but why not use someone willing to write thousands of words about your film and continue to defend it then these 15 words-or-less jokers?

They weren’t in the Sunday papers, but I was tipped off that two-time Whore of the Year recipient, Earl Dittman, was out pimping for 88 Minutes in the television ads.

It took a few days, but sure enough there he was calling it "sensational" and a "must see" giving it 4 stars.

Oh, but what’s this? He’s not alone. There’s 2008’s rookie whore of the year, James Thomas, saying that "Al Pacino is electrifying."

So here you have a movie completed way back in 2005 with an electrifying movie star, released a full year ago overseas and widely found for download over the internet. Variety’s review called it the worst film of Pacino’s career (yes, even Revolution) and seven of the nine current reviews at Rotten Tomatoes are negative. (One of the positives belongs to one of last year’s "whores to watch", Prairie Miller.)

But there’s Dittman and Thomas, up front and personal, giving it their full recommendation (each their fifth of 2008.)

Here’s the intriguing thing though. While Dittman has put his stamp of Penelope and Never Back Down and Thomas’ lineup includes Over Her Dead Body and 10,000 B.C. (13% & 9% RT approved, respectively), their other three recommendations are I-dentical. And they are all for the specialty divisions of Sony Pictures. Both are down for Screen Gems’ First Sunday and Untraceable and they are now showing their love for Tri-Star.

Does anyone imagine seeing Dittman and Thomas arrive at these screenings joined at the hip Requiem for a Dream-style?

First Sunday
DITTMAN: "It’s hip…and…hilarious…"
THOMAS: "The first laugh-out-loud comedy of the new year."

Untraceable
DITTMAN: "An electrifying, cat-and-mouse thriller."
THOMAS: "Untraceable is the Silence of the Lambs for the internet age."

88 Minutes
DITTMAN: Sensational…****…A must see.
THOMAS: "Al Pacino is electrifying."

I Am Sam.

Film Title: I Am Legend
Released by: Warner Bros:
Tomatometer: 68% (as of 4 Feb 2008)

Respected Critics Say: "I liked it better when it was called 28 Days Later." - Duane Dudeck

Borderline Quotewhore Sightings: (4)
"Explosive"- Kirk Vanderbeek, Real Detroit Weekly
"Intense" - Bonnie Laufer, Tribute-TV Canada
"Moving" - Gebbad Hall, Reelz Channel
"Stunning." - David Sheehan

Definite Quotewhore Sightings: (4)
"Magnificent." - Earl Dittman
"Unbelievable. Remarkable…" - Ben Lyons
"One of the greatest movies ever made" - Ben Lyons (again!)
"Dynamic. Exhilarating. Exciting. Entertaining." - Shawn Edwards
"One of the best films of the year" - Shawn Edwards (again!)
"Suspenseful. Gripping. Oscar worthy" - Kelli Gillespie, FOX-TV

I Am Legend marches right into the Criticwatch Movie Hall of Shame for this marketing mess o’quotewhore fluffery. Long time whorebag, Shawn Edwards, doesn’t hold back, dishing out the reacharound to his homeboy Will Smith, and Earl Dittman’s usual multi-line floral bouquet goes missing in favor of the less obvious, but no less incorrect, ‘magnificent’.

But it’s E!’s Ben Lyons who really takes the cake here. Not satisfied with two single-word blurbs that would be almost guaranteed a trailer spot, he goes for the big kahuna of pullquotes - the ‘greatest ever’ line - and Warner Bros, not knowing when to stop puffing up their poster, just goes right along with it.

Here’s a tip, Warner Bros marketers; if it’s too much praise, we know we’re being sold a bill of goods. Next time ask Lyin’ Lyons for something a little less obvious.

I've got ten bucks on Jessica Alba hitting 40 years of age and never being nominated for an Oscar. Any takers? Didn't think so.

Movie Title: Awake
Released By:  The Weinstein Company
Tomatometer:  21% (as of Feb 4 2008)

Respected Critics say: "Waking up during major surgery would be horrible. Waking up during surgery and being forced to watch Awake would be truly ghastly." - John P. McCarthy

Confirmed Quotewhore Sightings: (1)
"The year’s best psychological thriller. Intense & edgy…It will leave you breathless! Jessica Alba is stunning!" - Earl Dittman

Wow. No press screenings. Opening cold everywhere. Even renowned blurb-offerer PETE HAMMOND disliked it! And yet the marketing boffins responsible for The Weinstein Company’s Awake managed to find a ‘critic’ to not just offer up a quote, but a quote that invokes the "best of the year" premise.

Seriously. In December. 

Of course, when the Weinsteins need a whorebag, there’s always one guy they turn to (now that Pete Hammond has been drummed out of Maxim) - ‘Easy’ Earl Dittman.

Dittman isn’t know for his good taste. In fact, quote the opposite. Remember what he said about that other recent Alba masterpiece, Into the Blue?

"A heart-stopping, edge-of-your-seat thriller. Jessica Alba gives a knockout performance. It will leave you breathless."

And how much did Dittman like these soon-to-be-classics?

"A shocking nail-biting thriller! It will leave you breathless." (Derailed)
"A shocking psychological thriller. Samuel L. Jackson is brilliant. He will leave you breathless." (Freedomland)

In fact, Dittman loves the Weinstein’s so much that it’s as if he’s taken happy pills whenever he walks into their promo screenings. And Harvey ain’t complaining!

"Exhilarating!" (Grindhouse)
"Terrifying. A tour de force. A worthy companion piece to the original. A shocking masterpiece with twists and turns around every corner!" (Halloween)
"Startling and intense. A terrifying masterpiece." (1408)
"Intense. The scariest film of the year!" (Stephen King’s The Mist)

You can’t make this stuff up… Unless you’re Earl Dittman.  

Welcome to the Whore Cloud, Awake.