Criticwatch

Apparently Nicole's rack points due east.

Film Title: The Golden Compass
Released by: New Line
Tomatometer: 41% (as of 4 Feb 2008)

Respected critics say: "The worst crime of a film like this is that not only is it retarded, it expects its audience to be retarded as well." - Walter Chaw

Suspected Quotewhore Sightings: (2)
"A stunning epic. State-of-the-art special effects make this gripping odyssey unforgettable." – Jeanne Wolf
"A visual knockout, extremely captivating and a sci-fi feast." – Roger Friedman

Definite Quotewhore Sightings: (2)
"Beyond spectacular! Transports you to an alternate world of jaw-dropping awe and unforgettable adventure." – Pete Hammond
"The Golden Compass takes its place amongst the great fantasy films of all time. In the tradition of The Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter and The Chronicles of Narnia" – Ben Lyons

While most press in the country have already seen The Golden Compass thanks to screenings Monday night, or in some cases even earlier than the national sneak preview on Saturday, New Line somehow allowed the majority of the Chicago press to be relegated to a screening as late as this Wednesday evening, way past most print deadlines and up against other necessary screenings that qualify for Chicago Film Critics Association awards. Real smart, though it didn’t seem to stop the Whores of Quotetania from seeing the film early and giving their big fat thumbs up.

While Pete Hammond was picking his jaw up off the floor, Ben Lyons was creaking open the superlative vault with a ridiculous claim that this is among "the greatest fantasy films of all time."

We suspect maybe Ben hasn’t actually seen any other fantasy films, if he honestly thinks that’s the case. Either that or he’s genuinely insane. Or very, very stupid. Like, ‘walking into walls’ stupid.

Either way, New Line gets a mention in the Hall of Shame for using a couple of hacks like Lyin’ Lyons and Pete "the walking erection" Hammond.

August Rush: It's, like, ginchy!

Movie Title: August Rush
Released by: Warner Bros
Tomatometer: 37%

Respected Critics say: "An aggressively bad movie. There are times when it tips the scales of absurdity and becomes almost comical." - James Berardinelli

Potential Quotewhore Sightings: (1)
"Sheer movie magic." – Michael Faust, Artvoice

Definite Quotewhore Sightings: (5)
"The must-see film of the year." – Tony Toscano
"A modern day musical fairytale." – Greg Russell
"Phenomenal." – Janet Stokes
"A rare film that’s both a great date movie and the perfect family film." – Steve Oldfield
"A captivating fantasy full of suspense, emotional surprises and the most original music if the year." – Jeanne Wolf

Give credit where it’s due to the Warner Bros marketing boneheads - they went to the second tier of quotewhores for this one. No Pete Hammond? No Paul Fischer? Why, I do believe there’s an absence of Peter Travers, even!

Still, the movie blows and these quotes are so over the top they could be performed on stage by Daniel Day Lewis.