Criticwatch

Taking Leia's gold bikini a step too far, don't you think?

Film Title: Fool’s Gold

Released by: Warner Bros.
Tomatometer: 11% (as of Feb. 8, 2008)

Respected Critics Say:

"It was co-written by the authors of "Anaconda 2" and the director of "Hitch" and the Drew Barrymore version of the Amy Fisher story and even by those less-than-robust standards, they are playing well below their respective high-water marks" - Peter Sobczynski

"There’s more continuity in an episode of Teletubbies." - Phil Villarreal, Arizona Daily Star

"I can’t imagine why on Earth anyone would want a movie to fail so spectacularly on every level — perhaps there’s some sort of tax shelter thing involved, or a Springtime for Hitler scam scenario — but here it is." - MaryAnn Johanson

 

Definite Quotewhore Sightings: (5)

"Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson are this generation’s most engaging on-screen couple." – Shawn Edwards
"Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey light up the big screen in the first great romantic comedy of the year." – Heather Newgen, Comingsoon.net
"Everything a romantic comedy should be!" – Mark S. Allen
"The adventure comedy is back!" - Mark Seman, Sirius Satellite Radio
"Solid gold fun! Fool’s Gold will make you feel like you’re on vacation!" – Mark Hyman, FOX-TV

I Am Sam.

Film Title: I Am Legend
Released by: Warner Bros:
Tomatometer: 68% (as of 4 Feb 2008)

Respected Critics Say: "I liked it better when it was called 28 Days Later." - Duane Dudeck

Borderline Quotewhore Sightings: (4)
"Explosive"- Kirk Vanderbeek, Real Detroit Weekly
"Intense" - Bonnie Laufer, Tribute-TV Canada
"Moving" - Gebbad Hall, Reelz Channel
"Stunning." - David Sheehan

Definite Quotewhore Sightings: (4)
"Magnificent." - Earl Dittman
"Unbelievable. Remarkable…" - Ben Lyons
"One of the greatest movies ever made" - Ben Lyons (again!)
"Dynamic. Exhilarating. Exciting. Entertaining." - Shawn Edwards
"One of the best films of the year" - Shawn Edwards (again!)
"Suspenseful. Gripping. Oscar worthy" - Kelli Gillespie, FOX-TV

I Am Legend marches right into the Criticwatch Movie Hall of Shame for this marketing mess o’quotewhore fluffery. Long time whorebag, Shawn Edwards, doesn’t hold back, dishing out the reacharound to his homeboy Will Smith, and Earl Dittman’s usual multi-line floral bouquet goes missing in favor of the less obvious, but no less incorrect, ‘magnificent’.

But it’s E!’s Ben Lyons who really takes the cake here. Not satisfied with two single-word blurbs that would be almost guaranteed a trailer spot, he goes for the big kahuna of pullquotes - the ‘greatest ever’ line - and Warner Bros, not knowing when to stop puffing up their poster, just goes right along with it.

Here’s a tip, Warner Bros marketers; if it’s too much praise, we know we’re being sold a bill of goods. Next time ask Lyin’ Lyons for something a little less obvious.

Uh.. honey? You have something in your ear.

Movie Title: PS: I Love You
Released By: Warner Bros
Tomatometer: 21% (as of Feb 4 2008)

Respected Critics say: "You could go see P.S. I Love You, or you could hit yourself on the head with a meat mallet." - Andrea Chase

Confirmed Quotewhore Sightings: (2)
"Tis the joy of the season." - Joanna Langfield
"The best romantic comedy in a very long time." - Bill Bregoli

It doesn’t open until Dec. 21, but Warner Bros aren’t taking any chances that negative word might get out, so the TV ads already boast a couple whorebag blurbs for PS: I Love You.

Joanna Langfield gives up some easy cheese with a Christmas riff, but ‘Dollar’ Bill Bregoli really sells the farm with his "best romantic comedy in a very long time" routine.

Seriously? How long does Bill think is a ‘very long time’? Long enough to bake a cake? Long enough to get to the video store and rent any other romantic comedy ever made?

Of course, Bregoli is also a dude who recommended The Heartbreak Kid, No Reservations and Failure To Launch, so it’s not like we couldn’t see him coming.

Welcome to the Hall, PS: I Love You. 

August Rush: It's, like, ginchy!

Movie Title: August Rush
Released by: Warner Bros
Tomatometer: 37%

Respected Critics say: "An aggressively bad movie. There are times when it tips the scales of absurdity and becomes almost comical." - James Berardinelli

Potential Quotewhore Sightings: (1)
"Sheer movie magic." – Michael Faust, Artvoice

Definite Quotewhore Sightings: (5)
"The must-see film of the year." – Tony Toscano
"A modern day musical fairytale." – Greg Russell
"Phenomenal." – Janet Stokes
"A rare film that’s both a great date movie and the perfect family film." – Steve Oldfield
"A captivating fantasy full of suspense, emotional surprises and the most original music if the year." – Jeanne Wolf

Give credit where it’s due to the Warner Bros marketing boneheads - they went to the second tier of quotewhores for this one. No Pete Hammond? No Paul Fischer? Why, I do believe there’s an absence of Peter Travers, even!

Still, the movie blows and these quotes are so over the top they could be performed on stage by Daniel Day Lewis.